Posts Tagged ‘Love’

What They Don’t Teach You in Psychology Classes

This Universal Emotion Is Surprisingly Absent from University Psych Lectures

There were no lectures on love when I studied psychology. Things are changing now, but love is still the road less traveled in universities and colleges in the Western world.

My classes were interesting but not enlightening. We studied a self with no soul and a mind with no heart, and the body of our work was full of disease and anxiety. There was no joy.

Love was absent.

A lecture on something called Interpersonal Attraction Theory flirted with love, but only a little.

No one addressed love directly, not even Carl Jung, who wrote about everything. Continue Reading

If it Hurts, it Isn’t Love

Find Out What is Really Causing the Pain

“If you could teach your children only one lesson about love, what would it be?” I was asked this question in a recent interview I gave on the radio. It’s a great question. It really made me think. How would you answer it? There are many answers I could have given, but I was asked to give just one. What came to my mind was a mantra I learned from my great friend, psychologist Chuck Spezzano. I teach about this mantra in every Loveability program. The mantra is: If it hurts, it isn’t love.

I first came across Chuck Spezzano’s work in the summer of 1998. A friend of mine gave me a book that Chuck had self-published. It was called If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love. The title got my attention. Continue Reading

5 Key Measures of Real Success

A Writing Exercise

I’m in Milan, Italy today coaching a team of leaders who are responsible for three global brands that are each the No.1 brand in their field.

We began the day by reviewing the question, “What is success?” As ever, the conversation was interesting, informative, and helpful.

“What is success?” is a good question.

After that, we explored the question, “What is REAL success?”

This time the conversation went to a whole new level. It was illuminating, energizing, and revelatory. “What is REAL success?” is a great question. Continue Reading

What is Love?

A Conversation with God

Here’s what happened: I’m in the back of a cab, on my way from San Diego airport to Encinitas. It’s early morning. I’ve just flown in from San Francisco where I was appearing the night before on KQED for my PBS show Shift Happens! I’m feeling tired. I’m looking forward to taking a shower. I haven’t done my morning meditation yet. So, I decide to speak to God. I said, “Hey God, let’s talk about love.” God said, “I’d love a peanut butter smoothie.”  Continue Reading

Five More Keys to True Love

Some Important Questions to Ask Yourself

6. Is this love or am I in sacrifice?

There are two types of sacrifice: unhealthy sacrifice and healthy sacrifice. One is based on fear and the other on love. Knowing the difference is a key to knowing how to love and be loved.

Over the years, I have counseled people who tried to use unhealthy sacrifice to save a marriage. It appeared to work at first, but love and dishonesty are not good bedfellows. I have seen lovers try to play small in a relationship so as to heal power struggles and avoid rejection. I have seen children get ill in a desperate attempt to heal their parents’ relationship. I have seen business leaders nearly kill themselves for their cause. Unhealthy sacrifice is often well intentioned, but it doesn’t work, because it is based on fear and not love.

Healthy sacrifice is a different story. To be happy in a relationship, you have to be willing to sacrifice fear for love, independence for intimacy, resentment for forgiveness, and old wounds for new beginnings, for instance. Above all, you have to stop giving yourself away and learn how to give more of yourself. You give yourself away when you are not true to yourself, when you play a role, when you don’t speak up, when you don’t ask for what you want, when you don’t listen to yourself, and when you don’t allow yourself to receive. The key is to remember that whatever you are trying to achieve with unhealthy sacrifice can also be achieved without it. Continue Reading

The Surprising Secret to Forgiving Others

How to Learn to Forgive and Begin Healing

Have you ever struggled with letting go of a past hurt or grievance? Have you ever had the desire to forgive, but you couldn’t bring your feelings to let go of the need to be right? The struggle to have the grace to forgive is one to which I think we all can relate.

My own early efforts at forgiveness didn’t work very well.

I could forgive, but I couldn’t forget.

Deep down I knew that forgiveness must be better than that. Over time, I gradually changed my mind about forgiveness in a way that you might not expect. Instead of focusing on forgiving others, I focused on forgiving me. Continue Reading